10 Things Every New Mom Should Know
Becoming a parent for the first time is a truly blessed event that inevitably transforms you. However, despite it being one of life's most extraordinary moments, parenthood is not always the smoothest and doesn’t come naturally to everyone.
The common belief that motherhood is this ethereal, life-altering experience may be arguably true. Memories of being with my child are some of my top life moments. But motherhood isn’t a magical transcendent act that automatically makes you the best mom ever, solely dedicated to your child’s upbringing. Noticed I said “some” of my top life moments. I love my kid, but I also loved my independence prior to him.
Motherhood is no walk in the park, especially those initial months. For those of you still blissfully unaware of the impending hurricane of baby bottles and sleepless nights, consider this your public service announcement.
While I could provide an extensive list of a hundred things I believe a new mama should be aware of, the reality is that every experience is distinct, and each child is uniquely different. Even a lengthy list wouldn't encompass all the nuances. Keeping this in mind, I've compiled what I consider to be the 10 most crucial pieces of advice for every new mom (and partner).
1. Things Will Likely Not Go to Plan
So, you've got this grand plan for childbirth, right? Well, here's a reality check: your meticulous birth plan might as well be a work of fiction. You can spend eons crafting the perfect plan, but the minute your tiny dictator starts his arrival, it's chaos theory in action.
Sure, birth plans give your medical team some guidance. But guess what? More than 80% of deliveries hit a plot twist that makes your plan just a fancy suggestion. Crazy, right? Even if you painstakingly prep, attend classes, and dream of a smooth delivery, labor and delivery are like improv comedy – totally unpredictable.
And the unpredictability doesn’t stop in the delivery room. Life with a newborn is wild, and the best plan can fall apart and make parents feel out of control.
Milk supply acting up? Baby won't catch some Zs? Cut yourself some slack. You're not failing; you're just starring in the unscripted chaos of parenthood. So, take a breath, toss that perfect plan out the window, and remember – you're doing an awesome job, even if life throws you a curveball (or a diaper explosion).
2. Bonding with Baby May Take Time
Forget the fairy tale narratives of an instant cosmic connection the moment your baby enters the world. Sure, it happened to me, but let’s be honest, I was on a delightful cocktail of fentanyl courtesy of the epidural.
Here’s the real scoop—many new parents won't experience that heart-melting, love-at-first-sight sensation for days, weeks, or maybe even months. And guess what? It's perfectly fine! When your tiny human decides to serenade the neighborhood with a four-hour-long symphony of wails for no apparent reason, you might find yourself eye-rolling at that Instagram mom who's apparently relishing every moment of motherhood with her perfectly brushed hair and glossed-up lips. The guilt may creep in, whispering, "What's wrong with me?"
The truth? Absolutely nothing. That overwhelming, can’t-live-without-you love will hit you like a ton of heart-shaped bricks, but it might take its sweet time. So, breathe, mama, you're not alone in this slightly delayed emotional party.
3. Just Say Yes
In the world of new motherhood, saying "yes" is your superpower. If a friend offers to save you from starving and bring you dinner, channel your inner Shonda Rhimes and say yes[FM1] . If your mother-in-law proposes a babysitting hour so you can enjoy literally anything without baby duty, unleash the power of yes. And if the stranger next to you on the plane suggests holding your little one while you use the bathroom, well, maybe not, but you get the idea.
My stepmom comes once a week for six hours so I can have a break; a real break – not a “take care of your personal needs or do household chores” break. It took a while for me to figure out how to use this time. At first, I did the basics – like showering and eating – but as months passed and I felt more comfortable, I started this site. Hey, look at me. Doing a thing.
Confession time: I was initially hesitant to part with my newborn. However, after three months of sleep-deprived existence, I caved. I let my parents take the reins for a night. Best sleep I’ve had in ages—although they insist it was a one-time deal. Sometimes, saying yes is your ticket to a moment of sanity and, let's be real, possibly a bathroom break without an audience.
4. Breastfeeding is Hard
Brace yourself for the Breastfeeding Brigade—it's like a cult, but with lactation consultants. My son was at my tit within the first hour of life without a problem. Then, in the frenzy of moving from the labor room to the recovery room, they pulled him off me to run routine tests. When it was time for him to feed next, he didn’t latch.
It was with the first lactation consultant that I felt my first mama bear instincts. She shoved his face into my engorged boob and was generally very rough with this little thing who was alive fewer hours than it took me longer to get out of me (30-hour delivery, jealous?). Being an inexperienced mother, I let this go on for too long. Finally, “I’m not in love with this” was my Southern way of telling her to go f--- herself politely.
My son finally latched on when it was just him and I. Since his father and I are naturally defiant people, I assumed our son was too and let him suckle on his terms. As I said, every baby is unique and will learn differently.
I had plans to breastfeed my little one, but I wasn't donning a cape and wielding a "Breast is Best" banner. My grand scheme involved six months of breastfeeding, pumping like a dairy queen, and stocking up a freezer with enough milk to make Elsa jealous.
Weeks of cringing through feedings later, and I was unable to keep up with my son’s appetite. I wasn’t producing enough and I didn’t have it in me to pump up production on my poor, sore breasts. We supplemented with formula. After four months of nursing and pumping for less than half of his daily intake, I was completely done.
No one is an expert on your journey, and judgment is not on the menu. If breastfeeding doesn't align with your family's best interests, guess what? Formula is a superhero too. You can be an A+ parent with a happy, chubby-cheeked baby without going the breastfeeding route.
On the flip side, if you choose to breastfeed, fantastic! But remember, it's okay if it's not all rainbows and latching unicorns from day one. It might be a bumpy start, and that's absolutely normal. Do what feels right for you, and don't let anyone guilt-trip you about it.
5. Find Your Tribe
Your sister might have a mini daycare at home, and your best friend could be a walking baby encyclopedia, but trust me, their wisdom won't save you in the chaotic whirlwind of those first few months. You need comrades who are in the same sleep-deprived boat, navigating through the sea of spit-up and diaper explosions in real time.
My golden advice? Join a parenting group. Classes usually lump together families with babies born around the same era. Picture it: a support group where everyone's sharing war stories about diaper blowouts and sleepless nights. It's not just helpful; it's downright therapeutic. Because let's face it, only someone elbow-deep in baby chaos truly gets it.
But, sometimes it’s not that easy. Having my first kid at 37 years old straddled me between two groups: younger first-time moms and similar-aged mothers with kids in middle school. I had a difficult time talking about my struggles with 20-somethings. And aunts, cousins, and other experienced mothers gave what felt like obsolete advice. I didn’t personally know anyone other “mothers of advanced age” having a kid for the first time.
I joined the Peanut app to find those in a similar position as me; a new old mom. Again, I hit a wall. My coastal “elite” upbringing didn’t translate well to my current Southern home. While I could find other geriatric mommies, our belief systems and culture rarely aligned.
Fortunately, my sister-in-law became pregnant two months after me. Although we weren’t very close, she became my lifeline. She was going through the same things at the same time while also understanding and approving of Mommy’s happy hour and not being a perfect parent.
6. Your Relationship Will Be Tested
So, you're lucky enough to have a partner in these chaotic baby times. Brace yourself for emotions that might temporarily question your love for the person beside you. Relax, it's absolutely normal.
My husband is a supportive, compassionate partner, but I couldn’t help but hate him. I was up throughout the night while he snored. I was at home all day with a small human attached to my boob when he returned to work. I heard phantom baby cries when I showered, while he leisurely enjoyed 45 minutes in the bathroom without a concern. Resentment became my new sidekick, and I couldn't help but envy his freedom—both physical and mental.
Here's the silver lining: Once your life starts finding its rhythm, the storm between you and your partner will settle. Starting a family is like riding an emotional rollercoaster—there are highs, lows, and moments when you might want to throw up. I distinctly remember watching my husband making our son laugh and thinking, "I've never loved him more." Fast forward to the next week, and I'm telling him I can't stand him because of smudges on the fridge. Welcome to parenthood.
7. Give Yourself Six Months
Post-baby expectations are as unrealistic as thinking you'll leave the hospital in your pre-pregnancy skinny jeans. It takes about six months for your body and hormones to start resembling something familiar. Society might be obsessed with the idea of postpartum snapbacks, but let's be real—99.9% of us need time.
My best friend is in the fitness industry and so are her friends. One of them is a unicorn who only gained 20 pounds during pregnancy, was back to exercising at 6 weeks, and back to prepregnancy weight in less than 2 months. Her social media is covered in workout posts and pictures of her thin and seemingly perfect body. For someone who can’t even fit into her prepregnancy sweatpants, this is a hard thing to watch.
The weight struggle is just one chapter in the novel of new motherhood. Post-delivery, whether you did it the natural way or had a C-section, your body needs a recovery vacation. Mother Nature's biggest prank? Just when you crave rest and sleep, your baby decides it's party time. Hormones take a nosedive and cue the irrational sobbing sessions and Titanic-sized sanitary pads.
But hey, it's all temporary. You'll reclaim your old self soon enough—right around the time your hair decides to play its own vanishing act. But let's not dwell on that for now.
8. It’s OK to Feel Sorry for Yourself
Here's a revelation for you: most newborns moonlight as nocturnal beings. Inside the cozy womb, they're lulled to sleep during the day by the rhythmic dance moves of their moms-to-be, and as a result, nights become their playground. It takes some time for these tiny humans to grasp the concept of a proper sleep schedule, but until then, new moms, cut yourselves some slack.
At 3 a.m., when your baby demands your undivided attention and you're on day three of a no-sleep streak, things get real lonely. Your mini-me is fussing, cranky, and probably just as perplexed about the whole sleep ordeal as you are. All you can do is rock, shush, and pray for the sandman to make an appearance.
And when all else fails? Cry. Sometimes a shared cry session is the only logical response. It might not magically lull your baby to sleep, but in those dark hours, a good cry is a new mama's prerogative. Remember, things always seem more formidable in the dead of night, so go ahead and feel a bit sorry for yourself. Just don't forget, you're doing your absolute best!
Quick practical tip: Swaddle. I get it, some moms say, "My baby hates the swaddle," but trust me, if that's the case, you just need to swaddle tighter. There's science behind it, but let's keep it simple and take my word for it.
9. Stop Comparing
Take a deep breath and repeat after me: Stop. Comparing.
Your journey is uniquely yours, and expecting it to mirror someone else's is like expecting pizza without cheese—utterly pointless. So, your bundle of joy isn't hitting developmental milestones according to the meticulously outlined schedule in "Your Baby’s First Year Week by Week." Big deal. Your baby is doing just fine, and so are you as a parent. Those guidelines? More like gentle suggestions. Don't chain yourself to them.
And, please, resist the temptation to peek over the neighbor's fence. Just because your BFF's hubby is a bath-time superhero every night doesn't mean your partner has dropped the ball. Remember, the grass isn't always greener—even for Beyoncé (okay, maybe that's a tad exaggerated, but you get the point).
True story: While I tout the “don’t compare” advice, it is sometimes difficult to follow. My best friend became pregnant shortly after the birth of my son. She’s a Pilates instructor and a life coach, so picture the prettiest, healthiest, and most optimistic person you can think of. She’s better than that. And her husband is just as awesome as her.
But here’s where the grass only seems greener on the other side. My husband babied me while I was pregnant, encouraged me to rest, and worried about me overexerting myself. My best friend’s husband asked her to help move 14 stabs of drywall at 24 weeks pregnant, wants her to start a new business, and generally doesn’t understand the exhaustion of creating life. Although their life is envy-worthy, I would have thrown knives at my husband for suggesting I leave the couch.
10. Trust Your Mom Instincts
Whether you believe your mom instincts have fully kicked in or not, trust them. You’ll hear unsolicited opinions and find countless contradictions in parenting advice (including best-selling pregnancy books.) A new mama needs to do what feels right for her and her baby. Don't let guilt or external pressure sway you into anything that doesn't align with your family's groove.
And here's a little extra wisdom:
· Skip the investment in newborn clothes. They'll be rocking a diaper and swaddle most of the time, and those adorable outfits? They'll outgrow them in the blink of an eye.
· Execute a clean sweep of the hospital room: nab those blankets, hats, diapers, ice packs (for you, not the baby), thermometers—anything that's not bolted down.
· When it comes to baby gear, embrace the "uglier is better" philosophy. That chic and minimalist contraption that perfectly complements your family room aesthetics? Sorry, but it's not going to captivate your baby's attention. I fought rainbow and highlighter colors, and let me tell you, the eyesore hues happen to be my son’s favorites.
In conclusion, to all the mamas and soon-to-be mamas out there: You're doing a stellar job, and your little one is incredibly fortunate to have YOU as their mama.
What pearls of wisdom would you share with fellow mamas?
