How to Survive the First Year of Marriage and a New Baby Without Getting a Divorce
The first year of marriage isn’t all champagne toasts and love notes. It’s a crash course in everything your partner never thought to mention before the wedding. And it’s more than tolerating their questionable snack choices at midnight, picking up their dirty socks, and reloading the dishwasher because they arranged it like a mental patient. Add a newborn, and it’s a Molotov cocktail of sleepless nights, raging hormones, and more crying than you thought humanly possible (mostly yours).
I know this chaos firsthand because I lived it. Our first year of marriage and first year as parents overlapped in what I can only describe as a cruel cosmic joke. We found out I was pregnant a month after getting engaged, so we went full speed ahead to the altar. What followed was a year of emotional whiplash: one minute, I was sure we were destined for divorce; the next, we were rejoicing at the baby’s firsts that I thought, Maybe we’ll make it after all.
Here’s what I learned in the trenches — and how you can survive without resorting to couples therapy or a murder charge.
1. Lower Your Expectations… Way Lower
Before the baby, I thought marriage would be a continuation of our romantic courtship. After the baby, “romance” wasn’t even on the radar. It’s not that the love disappears — it just morphs into something else.
Lowering your expectations doesn’t mean giving up; it means finding value in the little things. Like when my husband puts gas in the car because he knows I wait for the light to remind me. Or when he makes sure I have ready-to-eat meals every day he goes to work since I’ve already caused several small kitchen fires.
Most people don’t want to hear this but real relationships that last involve a lot of forgiveness. You have to accept the fact that your partner isn’t perfect and will hurt you, disappoint you, and upset you. You have to figure our if your’re willing to go through ups and downs with them.
2. Carve Out Time To Be Apart
Your spouse can’t be your everything—lover, co-parent, best friend, therapist, and Netflix buddy. That’s too much. Having a life outside your relationship strengthens it. It keeps things fresh and makes your time together intentional, not obligatory.
Ways to Spend Time Apart:
Take a solo walk. Just make sure to come back.
Pursue a hobby your spouse has no interest in.
Escape into a book or binge a TV show.
Join a group or class.
Meet up with friends.
Time apart doesn’t mean failure; it’s about recharging individually so you can bring your best self to the relationship.
3. Get Some Sleep (By Any Means Necessary)
You’re not your best self when you’re a sleep-deprived zombie. But this is not the old adage, sleep when the baby sleeps. The first two months with a baby are a cluster of interrupted naps to a point when there is no difference between 3 am and 3 pm.
For moms, sleep is even more necessary. Research suggests that women need more sleep than men to recover from the day. So don’t feel bad about doing whatever you need to do to get more shuteye. Find what works for you.
I couldn’t handle my husband’s snoring while getting up three times a night with the baby, so I slept on an air mattress in the nursery for six months. It wasn’t ideal, but it was better quality sleep and it saved my sanity.
4. Fight Loud vs. Better
After the baby, our arguments covered the usual suspects:
Unequal division of childcare.
Exhaustion-fueled irritability.
Financial stress.
Differing parenting styles.
Feeling neglected.
But we weren’t really fighting about these things. We were fighting because we were overwhelmed.
Scream, Yell, & Get It Out
One night, I reached my breaking point and smashed a gallon of iced tea onto the kitchen floor in a fit of pure, unfiltered rage. The tea didn’t just explode on the floor—it splashed up the walls, cabinets, and probably the ceiling. Then I walked out. I didn’t know where I was going, only that I couldn’t stay.
At that moment, I genuinely thought I’d never come back. I imagined leaving behind my child, the house I bought before meeting my husband, and even my bank account, just to escape the unbearable weight of marriage and motherhood.
It was toxic and a parade of red flags but also cathartic. And weirdly, it was when my husband, stunned and probably scared for his life, finally saw just how fed up and burnt out I was.
How to Fight Without Ruining Your Home
Fights helped us—but they’re not for everyone. If blowout arguments aren’t your style, don’t force it. Here’s how to fight without throwing a tantrum:
Say the Quiet Part Out Loud. If you feel like you’re pulling more than your fair share (and let’s be honest, you probably are), just say it. Some people — cough, men — are blissfully unaware of unseen labor because, shocker, they don’t see it. I mean, would I love for my husband to suddenly notice I cleaned his bathroom and shower me with gratitude? Sure. But let’s live in reality: spelling it out is faster and less infuriating. No guessing games for him, no simmering resentment for me, and yes, I still get the credit I deserve. Win-win.
Take a Timeout Before the Meltdown. When you feel that wave of rage bubbling up, step away—not to pack your bags and flee, tempting as that may be, but to give yourself a minute. Walk around the block, lock yourself in the bathroom, scream into a pillow—whatever works. Taking a breather means pausing to remind yourself that you and your partner are (theoretically) on the same team. Sure, you might want to strangle them in the moment, but team spirit, right?
Use “I” Statements (Even if They Feel Cheesy). You know what makes an argument spiral faster than a toddler on a sugar high? The word “you.” As in, “You never help me,” or, “You always leave me hanging.” Swap that out for “I” statements, even if it feels like you’re auditioning for a 90s self-help video. “I’m drowning over here and need more help” is a lot harder to dismiss than finger-pointing. Sure, it’s corny, but it’s also annoyingly effective at getting results.
Channel the Yelling into Humor. Sometimes, instead of blowing up, we use over-the-top sarcasm. “Look, the fairy who magically refills the sugar, salt, and pepper visited us last night!” Passive aggressive? Maybe, but it transformed a small grievance into a joke.
Arguments are inevitable; they’re basically a side effect of living in close quarters with another flawed human being. But how you handle those arguments? That’s where the magic—or the carnage—happens.
5. Take Care of Yourself Without Guilt
After my iced-tea-smashing meltdown, it became clear I needed help beyond what my husband or parents could offer. I was running on empty, and my mental health was circling the drain.
That’s when we enrolled our son in a $20k/year preschool, even though I’m a stay-at-home mom.* We can barely afford it, but it’s cheaper than me ending up in a psych unit or us separating. The decision gave me space to breathe and exist as a person again.
Ways to Take Care of Yourself:
Hire a babysitter for a few hours.
Join a gym with childcare.
Ask friends or family for help.
Prioritizing your mental health isn’t selfish—it’s survival. A better you means a better partner and parent.
6. Remember, It’s a Phase
The first year of marriage is hard. The first year with a baby is harder. Doing both at once? Exhausting. But it gets better. One day, you’ll laugh (or at least stop cringing) at the time you almost divorced over a diaper blowout.
When you’re knee-deep in arguments about who’s more sleep-deprived or why the baby’s diaper hasn’t been changed, it’s easy to fantasize about life as a single, free-from-arguments person. But take a second and really imagine it:
Are you happier juggling solo parenting, finances, and the never-ending responsibilities of running a household?
Does the thought of co-parenting schedules and splitting holidays fill you with relief or dread?
Short of serious deal-breakers like adultery, abuse, or addiction, staying together—messy, loud, and imperfect as it may be—is often less exhausting than going it alone. The chaos feels lighter when shared, even unevenly.
*I call myself a stay-at-home mom because I’m the default parent and I work from home day-trading and freelance writing. I pay 50% of our bills and 100% of that eye-watering daycare tuition.
