Trying to Get My Kid to Sleep Alone in His Crib Broke Me
Every new parent knows the drill: those initial weeks of waking every two hours with your newborn. It’s like some initiation into the secret club of parenthood. You brace yourself, thinking it’s temporary. You cling to the hope that those two-hour sleep windows will gradually stretch, that eventually, your precious little one will bless you with a full night's sleep.
But when my one-year-old started reverting back to waking every two hours—after only maxing out at a luxurious four-hour stretch twice—I got desperate. It was like Mother Nature was playing a cruel joke. My stress levels skyrocketed, my already fragile grip on my depression loosened, and I found myself barely functioning during the day. I was on a first-name basis with sleep deprivation, and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty.
Our Cozy Start and the Challenges That Followed
Our baby started out in a sleeper next to us, and by the time he was four months old, we had fully embraced co-sleeping. Those early days were a blur of diapers, feedings, and sleepless nights, but there was something incredibly special about having our little one so close.
We cherished the family bonding time, snuggling together as we drifted off to sleep. There’s nothing quite like falling asleep with your child in your arms, mesmerized by their peaceful face, and feeling all the stress of the day melt away.
However, as he grew, our cozy setup started to feel a bit cramped. Our queen-sized bed, which once felt spacious, now seemed to shrink every night. My six-foot-tall husband takes up half the bed, leaving me to share the remaining half with an increasingly active pre-toddler who had a knack for sprawling in all directions. Combined with my husband’s snores that could rival a chainsaw, my sleep was becoming more and more elusive.
Desperate for some rest, I decided to share a full-size mattress with my baby in the nursery, hoping this would be a step towards eventually moving him into his crib. It was a temporary solution, but I clung to the hope that it might work. The idea was simple: get him used to sleeping in his own space while still being close enough to comfort him. Little did I know, this was just the beginning of our sleep saga.
The Transition Nightmare
In the beginning, the first few weeks of co-sleeping on the little mattress in a separate room felt like the best of both worlds. I still got to enjoy those precious baby snuggles, minus the symphony of my husband's snores.
There was more room to stretch out, and for the first time in a while, I didn't feel like I was being squeezed off the edge of the bed by a tiny, flailing human. It was almost a taste of freedom, a little oasis of quiet in our chaotic sleep routine.
However, the novelty of the arrangement soon wore off. The air mattress, while offering more space, did a number on my back. Every morning, I'd wake up feeling like I’d aged ten years overnight. The silence, though initially blissful, also brought a surprising loneliness. I missed the warmth and comfort of snuggling with my husband, our conversations before falling asleep, and just the simple presence of him beside me.
Despite the physical discomfort and the occasional pang of missing my husband, I held on to the hope that this temporary solution would eventually lead to my baby sleeping soundly in his crib.
But he still woke up every two and a half hours to be fed or consoled. Each time was like pressing a reset button. My baby would wake up wide-eyed and wailing, and we’d be back to square one. The nursery, once a symbol of progress, became a battleground where sleep was the ultimate prize, and I was a weary warrior fighting an uphill battle.
Sleep Training Methods Everywhere, But Not a Wink
I was torn between all the different sleep training methods:
Cry It Out: Let your baby cry until they fall asleep without intervention.
Ferber Method: Gradually increase intervals of letting your baby cry before soothing them.
No Tears: Minimize crying by responding quickly and soothing your baby gently to sleep.
Gentle Sleep Training: Use gradual, soothing techniques to help your baby learn to sleep independently without significant crying.
They all sounded great in theory but were a nightmare in practice. The expert advice said to put him in his crib "drowsy but awake," which sounds like a cute little catchphrase until you realize it means resetting the whole damn process every time you move him.
Trust me, you haven’t felt true despair until you've tried to transfer a 98% asleep baby into a crib, only for him to wake up and scream at you for another 45 minutes.
Why Schedules and We Just Don't Mix
I'd heard about all those magical babies who sleep through the night by 2-3 months old. We even knew some of these mythical beings personally. These babies belonged to my super-disciplined friends, who, by the way, are fitness fanatics and former military.
Meanwhile, my husband works in the restaurant industry with hours that would make a bat jealous. Our idea of a routine is eating dinner sometime before midnight. Spoiler alert: that’s not exactly what the sleep experts recommend.
There were nights I found myself envying those parents who could stick to strict schedules. But who was I kidding? My husband and I couldn't even remember to floss daily, let alone enforce a rigid sleep schedule. Plus, with his late-night shifts, we were doomed from the start.
The Crushing Impact of Sleep Deprivation on Mental Health
As if being undisciplined wasn’t enough, add in the stress and lack of sleep, which did wonders for my depression. Sleep deprivation does more than just make you tired. It messes with your mood, your patience, your mental health, and your overall ability to function like a normal human being.
I was snapping at my husband, struggling to focus on basic tasks, and the dark circles under my eyes were starting to look like permanent features. The nights felt endless, punctuated by the heart-wrenching cries of my baby, and the days were a fog of exhaustion and frustration.
I reached a point where I couldn’t stop crying. Every little thing felt like a battle with my baby. Feeding, which used to be a time of connection and bonding, became a struggle. My son’s sudden difficulty with everything seemed to mirror my own unraveling. I imagined my tiredness, depressive state, and short temper had a lot to do with his newfound crankiness.
It was a vicious cycle that worsened each day—my exhaustion fed into his distress, and his distress amplified my exhaustion. I felt like I was failing him, failing myself, and losing the fight against the overwhelming tide of sleep deprivation and depression. My once cheerful demeanor was replaced by a constant state of anxiety and sadness, and it seemed like there was no end in sight.
Embracing What Works: The Night That Changed Everything
But last night, oh glorious last night, my baby slept almost through the night. How did this miracle happen? You guessed it—co-sleeping on the mat. Again. Yes, I know what the experts say about co-sleeping, but at this point, I’m ready to tattoo “Whatever works” on my forehead.
So, here I am, a little more rested but no less broken by the crib battle. I wish I could tell you I have a foolproof method, but the truth is, we’re all just winging it. If you’re out there fighting the same fight, know that you’re not alone. Sometimes, surviving means breaking all the rules. And that’s perfectly okay.
At the end of the day, my thoughts revolve around what works best for my family. My son clearly needs more bonding time and reassurance, which co-sleeping provides.
And if it means more sleep for me and an easier time managing my mental health, why would I choose to do it any other way, even if it's not the long-term solution most experts recommend? Co-sleeping is safer than a parent falling asleep while driving, a sleep-deprived zombie trying to juggle daily responsibilities, and certainly a suicidal mother.
Ultimately, the well-being of both me and my baby takes priority. My son’s comfort and my mental health are worth more than adhering to a strict sleep regimen. Each family is unique, and what works for one may not work for another.
For us, co-sleeping has been a lifeline, a way to ensure we both get the rest we need. In this wild journey of parenthood, sometimes the best advice is to trust your instincts and do whatever helps you survive and thrive. So, if you find yourself in a similar situation, remember: it's okay to break the rules and find your own path. You’re not alone, and your sanity is worth it.
