7 Steps for Teaching Your Child Emotional Regularity and Impulse Control When You Haven’t Mastered It Yourself
It’s safe to assume I’m not the Pinterest mom who seems to have it all together with perfectly color-coordinated calendars and a Zen-like calm. Oh no, that’s not me. I’m the mom who’s juggling a coffee in one hand, my sanity in the other, and praying to any deity that will listen that my 15-month-old won’t learn to say “f*ck” before “please.”
I’ve battled depression and anxiety since puberty, survived a suicide attempt, and yet, I’ve somehow been entrusted with a tiny human. But even in the chaos, the meltdowns (his and mine), and the endless battles with my inner demons, I’m determined to teach my kid emotional regularity and impulse control.
Step 1: Acknowledge Your Mess
First off, let’s drop the pretense. I’m a mess. There, I said it. And you know what? That’s okay.
Pretending to be perfect is exhausting and, quite frankly, a lie. Kids are like emotional sponges; they soak up everything, including our BS.
So, I’m honest with my little one (well, as much as you can be with a toddler). When I’m having a rough day, I say it out loud. “Mommy’s feeling sad today, but that’s okay. We’ll get through it.”
Step 2: Model What You Want to Teach
They say kids learn by watching, which means I need to get my act together—or at least fake it convincingly. When I feel like screaming into a pillow because I’m overwhelmed by life, I put on some Miss Rachel and cry in the bathroom. He doesn’t need to see the sh!t show.
And when he’s crying and frustrated, I hold him and take deep breaths. I count to five. I show him that it’s okay to pause and breathe. Does it always work? Hell no. But it’s a start.
The biggest thing I’m working on is replacing critical thoughts with positive affirmations, especially those that sneak out of my mouth. My kid won’t hear me say, “I’m so stupid,” or “I hate how I look.” I’m determined for him to inherit his father’s inflated confidence and not my waning self-esteem.
Step 3: Create a Routine
I thrive on chaos, but kids? Not so much. They need routine, like I need coffee.
Although I dislike the word “schedule,” I’ve somewhat embraced the monotonous life of routine naps, meals, and playtimes. Things that have helped transform our life from spontaneous to deliberate:
Going with my son’s natural rhythm. No one in our household is a morning person, so trying to coerce the baby to sleep at 8 pm and rise at 6 am was about as easy as flipping gravity. Likewise, we’re flexible if his naps slide slightly earlier or later.
Putting my child in preschool. While daycare wasn’t in our plans, it turned out to be a godsend. Not only am I getting a legit break, but now we have someplace to be at a relative time.
Not factoring anyone else into our plans. Nothing can upset an established pattern like someone else’s life. You want me to interrupt his nap time so you can play with him? Nah, the door was open during his wake windows.
Being outside. I’m definitely an indoor person, but the fresh air and sunshine are a surefire way to tire my kid out. Outside time makes putting him to sleep easier and less time-consuming.
I’d like to say, “It’s not just for him; it’s for me too.” But the truth is, it’s 100% for him. I’m doing my best, and any sort of semblance of a schedule my kid is on is blurry, to say the least.
Step 4: Talk About Feelings
Big feelings can be scary, messy, and sometimes downright ugly. Yet, they’re part of what makes us human, and they’re important to address.
I talk to my kid about his feelings and mine. When he’s frustrated, I name it. “You’re feeling frustrated because you can’t reach your toy. It’s okay to feel that way.” When I’m sad, I say, “Mommy’s feeling down, but it’s okay. It’s okay to feel that way.”
Naming the emotion takes away some of its power. It becomes something we can deal with rather than something that overwhelms us.
Step 5: Forgive Yourself
Here’s the kicker: you’re going to screw up. A lot. You’ll yell when you meant to stay calm. You’ll cry in the bathroom because it’s the only place to find peace. And that’s okay.
Parenting isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present. It’s about showing up every day, even when you feel like crawling back into bed and hiding from the world.
Step 6: Get Help
If you’re anything like me, asking for help feels like admitting defeat. But it’s not. It’s the bravest thing you can do. Whatever it takes to get you to a place where you can be the parent your kid needs:
Therapy
Medication
Support groups
I’ve been in and out of therapy for years, and it’s been a lifeline. There’s no shame in needing help; the shame is in not getting it when you need it.
Step 7: Embrace the Imperfection
I’m not striving for perfection. I’m striving for progress. I want my kid to see that it’s okay to be flawed, to struggle, and to fight your way back to the surface. I want him to know that it’s okay to feel deeply, to mess up, and to try again. That’s the real lesson here: resilience.
An Age-By-Age Guide to Helping Kids Manage Emotions
Infants (0-12 months):
Respond to Cries: Comfort them promptly to help them feel secure.
Talk About Emotions: Use simple words to label feelings, like "happy," "sad," and "angry."
Toddlers (1-3 years):
Name Their Emotions: When they throw a tantrum, calmly name what they’re feeling. “You’re upset because you want the toy.”
Teach Simple Coping Skills: Show them how to take deep breaths or hug a favorite stuffed animal when upset.
Preschoolers (3-5 years):
Role-Playing: Use dolls or puppets to act out emotions and appropriate responses.
Encourage Verbal Expression: Encourage them to use words to express their feelings instead of acting out.
School-Age Kids (6-12 years):
Model Emotional Regulation: Show them how you manage your own emotions and talk through your process.
Problem-Solving Skills: Help them think through solutions to their problems rather than reacting impulsively.
Teenagers (13+ years):
Open Communication: Foster an environment where they feel safe discussing their feelings without judgment.
Healthy Outlets: Encourage them to find healthy outlets for their emotions, such as sports, the arts, or journaling
I’m learning that validating my child's emotions is crucial for helping him manage his feelings. By acknowledging and naming his emotions, I hope he’ll grow up better at emotional regulation than I did. Each step I take to help him understand and manage his emotions is a step toward breaking the cycle and giving him tools to navigate life more smoothly.
