Why We Need to Give The Two Types of Boy Moms a Damn Break
Somewhere along the way, being a mom to a boy turned into the identity of "boy mom." And within that identity, two very different archetypes emerged: the overly fixated boy moms and the progressive boy moms. The former is the one who proudly declares herself her son’s “first love” and jokes (or not?) about how no woman will ever be good enough for her precious boy. It’s giving emotional enmeshment.
The latter carries the weight of fixing modern masculinity, determined to raise a boy who will break the cycle, respect women, and call out toxic behavior like a tiny Gloria Steinem in training. Both of these moms get a lot of flak. One for being too much, the other for not doing enough. But what if—stay with me—we just let moms do their best without assuming they’re either ruining their sons or responsible for saving an entire gender?
Related: Breaking Free from Gender Stereotypes for My Little Boy
In this article:
What’s Really Going On With The Toxic Boy Moms
The Progressive Boy Mom: Why Is It Our Job to Fix Society?
The Divide Between #BoyMom Culture vs. #GirlMom Culture
So, How Are We Raising Boys?
What’s Really Going On With The Toxic Boy Moms
The internet loves to roast these moms. And yeah, some of the posts—like a mom crying about her son getting a girlfriend—are wild. But before we judge, let’s take a step back. Some of these moms might be dealing with emotional neglect or unmet needs in their marriage.
Maybe their son is the only source of unconditional love in their life.
Maybe they’ve been conditioned to believe that once a man has a partner, his mother gets left behind.
Psychologists even have a name for extreme cases: the Jocasta Complex (like the Oedipus Complex but flipped), where a mom is too emotionally invested in her son’s life. But for most of these moms, it’s not some deep Freudian thing—it’s just an attachment issue, possibly stemming from their own upbringing or relationships.
That doesn’t mean it’s healthy to make your son your emotional crutch, but it does mean we could have a little more compassion before we drag them in the comments section.
The Progressive Boy Mom: Why Is It Our Job to Fix Society?
On the flip side, we’ve got the Progressive Boy Moms. These are the moms out here trying to raise emotionally intelligent, feminist sons in a world that still loves to say "boys will be boys." And honestly? It’s exhausting.
My favorite example is from the comedian Gina Brillon:
“My girlfriends were on it the second they found out I was having a little boy… ‘It’s all on you. You gotta fight the patriarchy.’ And I was like, ‘Can I teach him the alphabet first?’ I can, I just got to be real intentional with it… like, A is for Accountability, B is for Bodily Autonomy, and C is for Consent. Repeat it to mommy.”
Research shows that parents, especially moms, shape kids’ understanding of gender roles. Boys are often encouraged to be tough and independent, while girls are steered toward nurturing behaviors. Moms trying to counteract this have to actively push back every single day—against:
Relatives
Schools
The media
Even their kid’s own friends
But here’s the kicker: Why is it always moms doing this work? Where are the dads in this equation? Why aren’t more men stepping up to model respect, kindness, and equality? Women didn’t create toxic masculinity, but somehow, it’s our job to fix it?
It’s no wonder so many moms feel burnt out from the pressure of raising “the good ones.”
Related: The Secret to Not Losing Your Mind as a Parent (It’s Not Another Routine)
I’m a Mom With a Boy
I’m Not a #boymom
I love my son, but I’m not obsessed with him—
he’s a person, not my personality.
Sure, I’d love to raise the perfect partner or a feminist king, but my real job? Teaching him to take care of himself, survive without his mommy, and build a life he actually enjoys.
Raising a capable human > raising someone else’s dream boyfriend.
The Divide Between #BoyMom Culture vs. #GirlMom Culture
Spend five minutes on social media, and you’ll see a clear difference between #boymom and #girlmom culture.
#BoyMom Culture is all about roughhousing, muddy footprints, eating an entire box of cereal in one sitting, and “boys will be boys” energy. There’s an almost prideful exhaustion attached to it—like surviving boyhood is a badge of honor.
#GirlMom Culture leans into the sweetness, the matching outfits, the idea that daughters are lifelong best friends. There’s an expectation of closeness and shared experiences, from tea parties to mother-daughter spa days.
The problem? Both of these narratives can be limiting.
Boy moms get stuck in this idea that their sons are wild, chaotic little creatures who can’t be expected to be emotionally mature.
Girl moms get boxed into a hyperfeminine, aesthetic-driven vision of motherhood that assumes daughters are easy and always want to be just like their moms.
In reality? Boys can be gentle and emotionally aware. Girls can be wild and independent. Kids are individuals, and slapping them with these broad stereotypes does nobody any favors.
Related: Guilt-Free Parenting: Nurturing Confidence in Your Parenting Choices
So, How Are We Raising Boys?
Moms should get to be moms, not emotional surrogates for their husbands or social justice warriors 24/7. Here’s what that looks like:
For the Overly Fixated Moms: Love your son, but let him be his own person. If your marriage or personal life is lacking emotional support, get that need met elsewhere—therapy, friendships, hobbies—not through your kid.
For the Progressive Moms: Teach your son respect and equality, but don’t feel like you have to personally fix everything wrong with men today. Let dads (or other male figures) share the load.
For Everyone Else: Stop judging moms so harshly. Raising good humans is hard enough without society making them feel like failures no matter what they do.
At the end of the day, most boy moms are just trying to make it through the day without stepping on a Hot Wheels car or hearing the words "Mom, watch this!" for the 80th time. Maybe we let them live?
Resources:
Drexler, P. (2011, November 29). Mothers and sons: How close is too close? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/our-gender-ourselves/201111/mothers-and-sons-how-close-is-too-close
Don’t ‘boy mum’ me. These stereotypes around raising children do enormous harm. (2024, October 25). The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/oct/25/boy-mum-stereotypes-raising-children
