Becoming a Parent After the Death of a Parent

Losing someone you love puts this peculiar filter on life's so-called "blessed events." Suddenly, everything's a cocktail of joy and sorrow. You're in the middle of cheering for graduations, clinking glasses for promotions, oohing and aahing at new homes, marveling at engagement rings, and somehow, amid the confetti of life's celebrations, you catch yourself thinking, "Man, I wish my parent were here to witness this."

Now, if there's an experience that can leave you feeling like you've been through a hurricane, a tornado, and an emotional earthquake all at once, it's entering parenthood after your parent has passed away. Trust me, I've been there. My dad passed suddenly two years before I took the plunge into marriage and baby-making.

Let's dive into the reasons why navigating parenthood in the shadow of a lost parent is like trying to balance on a unicycle on a tightrope. And, of course, why it's also kinda fine. But, heads up, I'm just shooting from the hip based on my own experience.

Now, we all know family dynamics are like a box of chocolates—mostly sweet, sometimes nutty, and occasionally a bit crunchy. What I'm about to spill might resonate with some of you, but if not, feel free to toss in your two cents in the comments. We're all in this crazy circus called life, and it's good to compare notes.

Why Being a Parent After the Death of a Parent is Hard

1. The Deceased Parent Can't Share in The News

When your parent dies before your baby arrives, a pang of grief sets in. The absence of being able to share this significant news with them is like a missing piece in the puzzle of your joy.

For those who had that open-book relationship, the pain is sharper. You realize you can't shoot the sh-- with your parent about your parenthood journey, and it stings. The person you'd usually spill the beans to is absent, and the void is palpable. Daydreams may kick in, envisioning the unique and personal ways you'd have shared this news if they were still here.

Contrary to the stereotypical image of expectant parents bursting with joy, the reality is a range of emotions—happiness, nervousness, and yes, a touch of fear. Whether it's your first rodeo or you're a seasoned pro at parenting, the enormity of having a baby sinks in. Many find themselves craving the support of their late parent, a reassuring presence missed as they embark on this transformative journey.

2. The Knowledge That They Will Never Meet Your Child And Vice Versa

One recurring source of my grief is the undeniable reality that my father will never meet my children, and, reciprocally, my children will never know him. The thought of the potential joy they could have shared saddens me deeply. Imagining the missed connections between their lives feels like a profound tragedy.

3. You Feel Envious of Those Who Still Have Their Parents

No one wants the feeling of envy, but sometimes, it sneaks in. It stings to witness your friends' parents showing up, knowing your parent missed out on these moments, and your child won't have their grandparent cheering them on in life.

My husband's parents are both alive, yet he actively avoids interacting with them. His frustration, especially with his father, is palpable. I can’t help myself but remind him that I would love to fight with my father and slop on the guilt that our children will only have one grandfather.

4. You Wish You Had Their Help, Support, Or Advice

The yearning for a parent's assistance and guidance knows no bounds, from delivery to graduation. Whether it’s after welcoming a new baby or when you need a reliable babysitter, a parent turned grandparent can provide their physical, emotional, and financial support.

The longing intensifies when facing parenting challenges, wishing you could dial your parent for advice when the baby has a fever, the kindergartener is struggling at school, or the teenager is, well, acting like a teenager.

While you may have a circle of support, there's a unique void that remains unfulfilled, as the specific support and counsel from that one parent are irreplaceable.

5. Your Child's Childhood Reminds You of Your Own Childhood

Your child's journey through childhood serves as a mirror reflecting your own past. As a parent, you find yourself reliving your childhood experiences, viewing them through the unique lens of parenthood. This process often sparks contemplation about your parent's perspective during your own childhood, fostering a deeper appreciation for the sacrifices they made and flooding you with waves of nostalgia.

I've included this in the "Why It's Hard" category because, at times, these memories carry a tinge of sadness or longing, especially when you wish you could reach out to your parent for questions or expressions of gratitude.

Reliving your childhood through your child's experiences can be a mix of emotions. While it may bring moments of sadness or nostalgia, it also allows you to connect with your parent's memory in different ways. Gratitude for their sacrifices and reflections on comforting memories become part of this journey.

Why Being a Parent After the Death of a Parent is Great

Stay with me for a minute… Having kids after losing a parent can bring unexpected joys and connections:

·      Naming Legacy: Sometimes, unexpected joy comes from naming your child after a departed loved one. It adds a new layer to the family legacy. Before my dad passed, I would have never entertained the idea of naming my child Richard. But since finding out we were having a boy, I strongly wanted his name attached to this new boy, a new generation.

·      Purpose Amidst Grief: Becoming a parent can be a ray of light in the dark. It provides a sense of purpose, shifts focus, and intertwines with the grief, offering a unique way to navigate through tough times.

·      Joy Amidst Challenges: Personally, parenting brought me joy and purpose during my darkest days. Plus, kids can be unexpectedly hilarious, adding a delightful bonus.

Now, I'm not suggesting having kids is a universal remedy. Parenting brings its own set of challenges and responsibilities. The decision to become a parent, when, how, and with whom varies for everyone. For some, it might even amplify stress during grief.

Connecting with your departed loved one's memory as a parent happens in various ways:

·      Sharing Stories: Share memories with your child. I look forward to telling my kids stories about my father, creating a bridge between generations.

·      Continuing Traditions: Whether it's a holiday tradition or a nightly bedtime phrase, carrying on rituals passed down by your parent provides a tangible link to their memory.

·      Parental Perspective: Being a parent yourself lets you understand your departed loved one in new ways. The relationship evolves, and your understanding deepens with each stage of life. From adopting their values to learning from their mistakes, the connection persists in different forms.