Partnership Isn’t 50/50—And That’s Not a Failure

Somewhere along the line, “partnership” started getting defined by an invisible scale. Equal housework, equal child-rearing, equal emotional labor. And while that sounds fair and lovely in theory, real life—especially for millennial women—doesn’t magically reprogram itself into a utopia of split duties the moment the pregnancy test turns positive.

We grew up watching moms carry the bulk of parenting and domestic work, whether they worked outside the home or not. Then we were told to do better, demand more, and expect equality. If we didn’t get it? Well, clearly we didn’t ask the right way. Or often enough. Or with enough emotional finesse.

Or maybe expecting a man to morph into a unicorn feminist dream dad overnight is… a setup. Especially when he also saw his dad work outside the home while his mom handled everything else. Change is possible, yes. But it’s a process—not a prerequisite.

In this article:

The Fantasy of 50/50 Partnership

Why Is His Incompetence Still Her Fault?

Unequal Co-parenting Is Still Easier Than Single Parenthood (for Most)

Don’t Settle for Misery, But Don’t Wait for a Myth Either

If It’s Not Equal at Home, Find Equality Somewhere Else

The Fantasy of 50/50 Partnership

There’s a new cultural narrative: If your partner doesn’t do exactly half of the parenting and housework, you’re better off solo. “You deserve better,” they say. And yeah, you probably do. But are we supposed to throw away otherwise decent relationships because they don’t clean as many dishes or change as many diapers?

In our house, it’s not 50/50. It’s a division of labor that works (most days), even if it looks uneven on paper:

• Laundry: My husband does his own, and I do mine, our son’s, and all the household linens (towels, sheets, etc.).

• Meals: He cooks dinner for the family, and I make breakfast and lunch for our son and myself.

• Cleaning: I do all of the household cleaning—floors, bathrooms, dusting, kitchen, you name it.

• Yardwork: He handles everything outside—mowing, maintenance, garbage, etc.

• Mental Load: I manage appointments, bills, etc., and he remembers everything I forget because I’m carrying that mental load.

We don’t split the load evenly, but both of us are carrying it. If I were doing this alone—which I seriously considered before meeting him—I’d be doing 100%. So, if he takes 20% off my plate? That’s a win.

And he’s getting the same deal—because without me, he’d be paying for a housekeeper, managing every bill solo, and most of all, he wouldn’t be a dad. Because babies don’t just appear when you’re ready—they come from women like me, who carry, birth, and raise them.

Why Is His Incompetence Still Her Fault?

Even in 2025, society still blames the woman. As if a man’s inability to show up as a father or partner is just a reflection of your lack of charm, strategy, or communication skills.

“You should make him help more.”

“You need to communicate better.”

It’s wild how deeply these seeps into our subconscious. If the towels are piling up? That’s somehow my failure. If he doesn’t intuit that the toddler needs a bath? Guess I didn’t train him well enough. It’s exhausting and demeaning—and it implies that men are unchangeable children and women are the managers of their humanity.

Unequal Co-parenting Is Still Easier Than Single Parenthood (for Most)

We don’t talk enough about how hard single parenthood really is—not just logistically, but emotionally, financially, and physically. My mom was a single parent, and she did everything herself, every day, with no fallback.

My parents’ divorce wasn’t due to my dad’s failure to do 50% of the household chores or parenting tasks—it’s because the relationship didn’t meet her needs. That’s what we often miss in the 50/50 conversation. A true partnership isn’t measured in chore charts—it’s about whether the relationship, as a whole, meets your needs. You may need:

• Assistance more than autonomy.

• Emotional reliability over effort.

• Presence more than financial support.

• Independence over resentment.

There is no one-size-fits-all formula for what a “good” relationship looks like, just like there’s no universal truth about what makes a woman fulfilled. When we assume that everyone should be aiming for the same model of equality, we ignore the very personal, very real conditions of each woman’s life, history, and heart.

Many of us are just trying to patch together a version of life that doesn’t leave us completely depleted. Learning how to live with imbalance when there’s shared goals in the mix.

Don’t Settle for Misery, But Don’t Wait for a Myth Either

I’m not telling you to suck it up.

• If you’re drowning, speak up.

• If you’re angry, let it out.

• If you’re tired, take a break.

You don’t have to accept burnout, resentment, or invisibility. My doctor recommended the game, Fair Play, as a means to divide up household tasks fairly, based on your household’s needs.

But you also don’t need to measure your life or your relationship against TikTok therapists or performative Instagram couples with white couches. There are unseen reasons why their lives (or feeds) may look perfect but really aren’t.

You are allowed to make the best of what you have. To appreciate what is working, even if it’s not to everyone else’s standards. Because waiting for perfection means you might wait forever.

If It’s Not Equal at Home, Find Equality Somewhere Else

Still, the gender gap inside the home is a very real issue. Traditional roles have changed, which sounds like progress until you consider that women took on more duties, and men took on less.

• Men aren’t expected to be the sole providers anymore. Women work full-time jobs and contribute financially—oftentimes equally.

• Women are still expected to be the primary caregivers. Men are applauded for doing the bare minimum parenting.

The “second shift” is still mostly ours. Psychology Today reports that unequal division of labor can be detrimental to relationships. So, if your relationship isn’t equal in labor, then you find equality where you can.

Historically, marriage wasn’t about love—it was about property. A transfer. A contract. That’s one of the reasons women took their husbands’ last names: because they were being absorbed into their husbands’ legal and economic world. That history still matters because if today’s modern man still wants the husband perks, then he better share the assets, too.

Here’s what that looks like in my life:

• I stopped paying many of the bills when my income dropped after having our child. Now he works overtime because he is in responsible for our financial stability.

• He took my 20+ year old car and bought a newer SUV for me because we agree that our child needs reliable transportation. The title is in both our names.

• His bank account has my name on it because raising a child and running a household requires access to money. My bank account is mine alone.

This isn’t about revenge. If you don’t have balance in tasks, then make sure you have balance in security. It’s only fair.

Not every marriage is a revolution. Not every mom is a martyr. And not every partnership is fair on paper, but that doesn’t mean it’s broken. Maybe it’s time we stopped expecting perfection and started supporting each other in the mess, the imbalance, and the beautiful, complicated math of real life.