No One Taught Us How to Combine Two Different Family Traditions Into One Life

We grow up inside our families thinking this is just how things are done. But when we build a life with someone else, we suddenly realize: our “normal” isn’t theirs. Then we try to mesh two family traditions without ever talking about it, and wonder why birthdays feel off or holidays feel tense.

If you want a better experience as a couple or a family, start by swapping childhood stories and asking what those days meant to each of you. The first step to blending family cultures is learning how to talk about family traditions.

In this article:

What Happens When You Don’t Ask

Stop Guessing, Start Comparing Notes

Build Your Own Family Culture—On Purpose

Tools to Make the Conversation Easier

What Happens When You Don’t Ask

Most relationship stress around events comes from unspoken expectations. You both think you’re on the same page, until you show up to a family gathering with different ideas about what will happen. No one ever gave you a manual for managing different holiday expectations in marriage.

Before I started asking my husband about his expectations, I stumbled into a minefield of unspoken traditions. He’s Irish, and I learned (the hard way) that St. Patrick’s Day wasn’t just a green-beer joke in his family—it was a real holiday: food, drinks, and a full-day celebration with extended family. Meanwhile, I was confused why we were treating it like Thanksgiving 2.0.

Then came the cards for every occasion. Halloween cards. Valentine's Day cards. My family barely acknowledged minor holidays, let alone mailed things. Suddenly, I was worried I was offending his whole family just by... not sending mail?

Here’s how skipping the expectation check-in can spiral:

• Your partner feels disappointed or unseen, even if you didn’t mean it.

• You feel overwhelmed trying to keep up with “new” traditions you didn’t grow up with.

• You end up micromanaging communication (like me, calling my mother-in-law to ask if I needed to send an Easter gift to our nephew).

• Small mismatches become bigger emotional misunderstandings.

• You start dreading events instead of enjoying them.

All of this could’ve been avoided with a simple question: “Is this a big deal for you?” Asking doesn’t ruin the magic. It prevents the resentment.

If you’ve ever felt like your relationship stress is about more than holidays, you might relate to Partnership Isn’t 50/50—And That’s Not a Failure, which breaks down why fairness in a relationship doesn’t always look equal.

Stop Guessing, Start Comparing Notes

The smallest question can save you from a huge misunderstanding. I asked my husband what Father’s Day looked like when he was a kid. His answer changed everything. I was over here assuming I had to match the energy he brought to Mother’s Day—and meanwhile, he just wanted a calm Sunday. (This is why assuming your partner’s love language based on your own experience can backfire.)

Even small cultural differences in marriage can make big waves. What one person sees as usual, the other might experience as over-the-top—or worse, emotionally exhausting.

Questions that can help you get on the same page:

• What does “celebrating” actually mean to you?

• Is a clean house more important than a big dinner?

• Do you expect surprises or do you prefer clear plans?

• How were holidays split between sides of the family growing up?

• What did a typical birthday look like in your house?

• How was [insert holiday] celebrated (if at all)?

Treat these conversations like research, not criticism. You’re not trying to win a debate. You’re trying to see the world your partner came from.

The answers are the emotional foundation for what feels “right” or “weird” to your partner now. Once you understand what they grew up with, you stop writing them off as uninterested or lazy and start seeing the logic behind their behavior.

Build Your Own Family Culture—On Purpose

You’re not failing at marriage or parenthood because you feel friction around holidays. You’re just living in a mashup of two invisible playbooks, and no one ever handed you the rulebook for how to blend them. The good news? You get to write your own.

This is your chance to build something intentional. Something that works for your life stage, your kids’ needs, and your emotional capacity. You’re not locked into your childhood rituals or your in-laws’. The Ridiculous Pressure of Baby’s First Holiday might hit close to home if you’re feeling overwhelmed trying to make everything “special” from scratch.

Prompts to help create your own family traditions:

• Which traditions still feel good in your body and heart?

• What rituals do you want your kids to grow up remembering?

• What traditions were based on obligation or performance?

• Which ones brought real joy or connection?

• What new traditions could work better for your lifestyle now?

This isn’t about perfect holidays or emotional symmetry. It’s about creating a life that’s meaningful, manageable, and aligned. When you take time to compare backgrounds, talk through expectations, and invent new rhythms together, you stop trying to merge old habits and start building something uniquely yours.

You can also explore how other cultures celebrate differently using tools like National Today, which might inspire new traditions or reframe your own.

Tools to Make the Conversation Easier

Unspoken traditions can snowball into real relationship strain especially if you’re not actively communicating about expectations, as shown in this Gottman Institute guide to common relationship pitfalls.

If you don’t know where to begin, start with a neutral space and an open heart. Better yet—use a cheat sheet. Here’s how to actually talk about it without either of you getting defensive or overwhelmed.

Conversation starters to get the ball rolling:

• What holiday meant the most to you growing up, and why?

• What do you remember most clearly about birthdays as a kid?

• What stressed your parents out most during big events?

• What would you like our kids to remember about holidays?

• Is there any tradition you want to stop, and one you want to keep?

• Do you prefer “let’s plan it all” or “let’s go with the flow”?

These questions aren’t about recreating childhood. They’re about understanding the emotional blueprint your partner is working from—so you can design something better, together.